My veteran readers may recall that I am fond of surveys.

I like to have my opinion asked, safely behind the anonymity of a multiple choice fill-in-the-bubble form. So I was thrilled when I heard that the Vatican has allegedly released a survey for us to reply to. I have all kinds of opinions I’d like to tell the Vatican. So I was excited when the blogger Jimmy Aiken claimed that he was recently contacted by the Vatican with a survey for him to post to his blog, the answers to which will be presented to the upcoming “Synod of Bishops,” which is quite the honor. I wanted to answer that survey.

Mind you I’ve never been 100% sure what a “synod” is, and I don’t know that I want to know. It’s just one of those important-sounding words Catholics like to repeat, like “fecundity” and “hypostasis.” But I would be glad to have my opinions presented to a Synod of Bishops if the synod didn’t bite. In this case, I don’t think my opinions will be presented to the Synod of Bishops. The link to the survey doesn’t lead to the Vatican website, it just leads to a weird survey site and then spills you right back onto Jimmy Aiken’s blog. Others who have taken the survey tell me they can’t find a link to it anywhere actually purported to be from the Vatican. It’s certainly not on the “Synod of Bishops” page on the Vatican website. I have no idea where this survey came from or where the answers will be stored, if they’re stored at all. But I took the survey anyway, because I am a Catholic. When a Catholic blogger tells me to repent and submit to the Vatican, I do everything that blogger says.

I have written my reaction to the Synod Survey here, with screenshots taken in accordance with fair-use principles for the purpose of parody. If you think your anti-virus software is good enough you can take the survey yourself. The rest of you can read my cliff notes.

Question Number One: “Have you ever had a personal encounter with God?” followed by a thumbs up or thumbs down  you can click on instead of “yes” or “no.” Easy. I was raised in the Charismatic Renewal. I was once at a Charismatic conference where Father DeGrandis wouldn’t let people leave the auditorium until we received the gift of tongues. He literally said “no tongues, no lunch,” and I was speaking in tongues within a few minutes because I hate crowds and wanted to get out of there. Thumbs up.

Question Number Two: “What option best describes your faith?” And then we get an odd list of choices:

“A. I am a practicing believer (I try to lead a life of grace). B. A believer with religious practices (I go to Mass on Sundays but nothing else). C. Non-practicing believer. D. Agnostic (I neither affirm nor deny that God exists. E. Atheist (I think that God does not exist). F. Spiritual but not religious (I believe in a higher being but not in religion.) ”

I wish there was a “G: other please specify” but there is not. No place for a former Charismatic estranged from her abusive family in the middle of a painful deconstruction. I guess I’ll click on A to get some brownie points.

Question Number Three: In which ways do you participate in the Church? Here we get an eccentric list of choices you’re going to have to see to believe:

I’m concerned that this is just another attempt to filter out the impure, sending your answers down the memory hole if you click on Option H. I guess I’ll click on Option E: I participate in social media or church-related websites. Social media: the eighth work of mercy! I am good at social media. Next!

Question Number Four: What do you think are the main reasons why people leave the Church? And again, a list of eccentric answers to choose from with no slot to type in other reasons. You’re going to have to see it for yourself again:

I am extremely concerned with any survey that puts “pederasty” in the same list as “boring Mass,” quite frankly. Also, why did they pick that word when the same priests are abusing adult men, girls and women? It’s clearly another attempt to make young males the only acknowledged victims so that they can continue to pretend the abuse crisis is  a problem of gay men infiltrating seminaries.

Question Number Five was something like “Do you think the Church listens to other groups including journalists and LGBTQ” but I smashed “no” before I could get a screenshot to double check the exact wording. It occurred to me after I did so that the wording of the question implied that LGBTQ people are an “other group” and not real Catholics. As a queer Catholic who is monogamous with a man and has been following Church rules my entire life, this irks me. LGBTQ people and journalists continue to be the redheaded stepchildren of the Catholic Church.

Question Number Six! “In your opinion, which of these best describe the Church?” And again we’re given a list of adjectives to choose from with no “other please specify” box. Supportive, selfish, authoritarian, participative, innovative, outdated, close, distant. I now have the template for a new Dungeons and Dragons character. I also fear that I’m not going to get a very good score on the survey because there’s no way to click “one, holy, Catholic, apostolic.”

Question Number Seven! “When you talk about “the Church,” what comes to mind?” And again, you’re going to have to see the multiple choice answers to believe them:

What in the name of corned beef and cabbage is a “religious influencer?”

Is that what Jimmy Aiken considers himself to be?

Is that what I am? Please, God, no. I’ve already disappointed my loved ones enough. Let there be a better name for what I do than “religious influencer.”

Question Number Eight: “Which of these activities do you consider urgent for the Church to address better and have more presence?” I can’t even show you all the multiple choice answers to this, because the page was so big I couldn’t take a single screenshot. There are answers galore including “accompaniment to LGTBI people.” At first I thought “LGTBI” was a weird typo but apparently it’s a real thing, and it stands for “lesbian, gay, trans, bisexual and intersex.” I don’t know why they went with that instead of plain old LGBTQ. I am excited that the Vatican at last admits that trans and intersex people exist, when you usually get slapped for saying such a thing. Male and female He created them. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Pay no attention to that intersex person behind the curtain. Another possible choice for Number Eight is “digital world and social media” as if we’re all deeply disappointed the USCCB Twitter page doesn’t banter back when we troll them. When fall the Catholic Social Media accounts, then falls the Church.

Anyway, let’s move on.

Question Number Nine: “Write 3 way in which you think the Church could be closer to the people.” Oh goodie, we finally get an option to write in the answers.

Question Number Ten: “Have you been baptized?” Okay hold up, why would I be taking this survey if I wasn’t baptized? Is Jimmy Aikin just phishing people? If there’s a question about my birthdate and first pet’s name I’m shutting this down.

First image via pixabay, all other screenshots are taken in accordance with fair-use principles for the purpose of parody from this mysterious survey whose author is unknown. 

Mary Pezzulo is the author of Meditations on the Way of the Cross, The Sorrows and Joys of Mary, and Stumbling into Grace: How We Meet God in Tiny Works of Mercy.

Steel Magnificat operates almost entirely on tips. To tip the author, visit our donate page.